Hope for an Empire.

In the battlefield of the mind, it’s not always outright depression which brings down the empire of greatness. Sometimes, it comes as a Trojan Horse; under guise of self preservation and begins to break down, from within, the columns that give you strength. And it’s from within that the battle is won (or lost).
Pretty much since I can remember I’ve stood on these battle lines, sometimes I just surrendered and let it take me into the dungeons of thought and torture my soul. Other times I took my stand, no matter how futile it felt or seemed. I know there is someone who knows what I mean. Maybe you’re reading this and you are lost, you don’t get it. Maybe you are on the same battlefield fighting the same battle, that feels like the war for your soul. And you just don’t know how to March into the thick of it and take those thoughts captive. Or, maybe you read these words I’m typing and you know me, or you’ve seen pictures of me; and you think, “Chelsea, you’re just so chipper, you’re so happy” and I am. Don’t be fooled though, don’t think for one second that some days – the smile I wear, the confidence in my voice – don’t think that those come as easily as dawn. Sometimes I find myself fighting my own mind to snap into reality; the reality that obviously, this life is temporary and I don’t live for today. The soft tender flesh of my wrist is my reminder that even in my deepest darkest battles, I have purpose. It was branded by the markings of these battles; as I had attempted to end them. I had two ways to deal with the things I can’t change: ignore them and bottle up the turmoil that they churned, or to engrave the pain into my veins, in failed attempts to alleviate all of me. For far too long, this sight served to constantly remind me of yet another way that I just couldn’t (and thank the good Lord I couldn’t!). Now it serves to remind me that no matter what. No matter who or how or when or why or any circumstances. No matter the amount of failure I am, God’s got this. Forever. Last summer I got a tattoo over those fearsome marks, there was a tattoo fundraiser done for Pastor Matt Crump and I had settled on a lemniscate (the infinity symbol) with part of it reading #godsgotthis. While this tattoo was given to countless other individuals, it has such a dear and special meaning to me. It will forever cover those shameful scars from when I was just too weak. And now, every time I feel like I just can’t anymore, I lift my arm, and I remember  …. God’s got this. In my mess (and trust me, there is a whole lot of that!). In my hurt and pain. In my shame and anger. Forever and always God’s got ME. He’s covering all of that. I no longer have to hide my scars, I no longer am ashamed of them – because God has formed such beauty in them.
It is still a daily battle. A decision that I make multiple times a day to March on this front, but no matter how many battles I face, or the enemies I encounter, God’s got this. It’s not my empire, not my battle. He’s already won the won. There is hope for this empire.


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